Thursday

"They call it stormy monday,
But tuesdays just as bad.
Lord, and wednesdays worse.
And thursdays all so sad."

I and M were planning on going to Toronto this weekend. We were going to grab a ride with my friend Amna but her parents decided to go so no more place in the car. I could just rent a car, but I will be going on Eid and then again around Christmas, so we'll just go next week. There is also some confusion around when Eid is.

There is a bazaar thing happening next week where I wanted to showcase our photography stuff. But not sure if that will be happening. I might go to Toronto that weekend. It would have been nice. Met our first Ottawa clients yesterday. Things are looking good with them. Hopefully things will start to pick up for us on the photography business side here. It was going quite well in Toronto and we were signing two to three clients a month, but then I stopped because I was unsure about whether I will be Toronto, Ottawa or US. I didn't want to take up assignments we couldn't do. That totally broke our tempo, so now its sort of like starting all over again.

There is a mall next to my work place. Its old and depressing so I never go (unless to purchase HIT chocolate cookies from IGA). Today, I discovered another mall a few steps down. Better shops, newer, pretty decent food court and marche. Its no square one, but its something. In that sense my work places have kind of gone from awesome to worse, as I've progressed upwards in my career. My first proper office was smack downtown on King St. and Spadina, right next to the Roy Thomson Hall. Doesn't get any more urban chic than that. Awesome restaurants all over, chapters indigo, movie cinemas, theatres, skydome, eaton centre, the works baby. The next one was in Mississauga right next to square one. They had a pool table on the fourth floor and I was averaging 3 games a day with my brazilian friend Marco. I sucked in the beginning and then started to actually beat Marco regularly. He would deny it, but he's a liar. That job was retarded. It's wrong to even call that a job. I got paid for eating and playing pool. After that it was ADP in Mississauga. Middle of nowhere, but I could hop into the car and go anywhere in sauga. It was right beside Yousuf's work place and very close to Pita Grill (this awesome shawarma place) so there were a lot of 2 hour lunches where we went back to our respective offices reeking of garlic. And after that its this one in Gatineau. Gatineau! Enough said. (But the coffee machine in my office makes it totally worth it).

Dream

He dreamt of her while she lay awake thinking of him.

His Dream:

He left his home and started running.
He ran steady and quick.
His breathing, still not heavy.
He came to a lake feeling restless.
There were people sitting on benches across from each other right next to the lake.
Unusually too many people.
He ran through them, right in between.
He looked left, he looked right.
He was looking for someone.
Not quite sure who.
He reached a house.
There was a wedding.
The house was crowded.
He entered the house and started looking for someone even more furiously.
He wasn't sure whom, but he knew he had to find someone.
He ran up the stairs.
He heard people say she's upstairs.
He thought he heard someone say she's getting ready.
Who's getting ready?
Is she the bride?
Am I looking for the bride?
He started running up the stairs.
His heart pounding not because of the exercise, but because of excitement.
Anticipation of shock.
He reached the fourth floor, or maybe it was the third.
And just as he was climbing up the last step, there she was.
Alone, dressed in a black sari.
Coming out of another room towards the stairs.
She wasn't the bride.
He was relieved.
What if she was?
Did he care?
Was it fair?
He'd found her.

Her thoughts:

--locked--
What else?

How Much

How much do we think we know at any given moment in our life. How much have we learnt from our past experiences. I remember when I was 20. 2000. I was in university. I was capable of doing anything. I was invincible. I was clean. I was light. I had no extra baggage. Then 2003 rolled around. And I thought I know better than anyone now. Then 2004, and now 2008.

People came and people left. Life changed. Slowly but tremendously. If I were to come face to face with my 20 year old self, I'd not even recognize me. I remember being 15, 16 and wishing I could just skip through the next 5-6 years of my life and just be an adult already. So I can do things on my own. Be a working adult, who has a job, an office, a cell phone, a car, etc. I'm 28, I have all these things and more and my God how I envy that 15 year old. My God how I envy that 20 year old!

I guess at this point, when I've either hit or probably nearing my half point in life (statistically speaking), I am starting to realize the pattern that is life itself. Things change. Things will continue to change. My problem is that I am never happy with the present. It's a big problem. It's a huge problem. I am always missing the past, that's been. I have to stop doing that. I realize that, but I just don't know how. I don't know how to start living in the present. How to treasure the people that I have right now.

The South Asian Musical Landscape of Ottawa

I've only been in Ottawa for a few weeks now, and in the limited excess time I've had (which is still more compared to what I had in Toronto), the thought of learning a new instrument has found its way to my brain twice.

The first time I was tempted to finally take up my long time desire to learn and play sitar. As any normal urbanite, I hopped on to google at the first chance I got of being online, and typed in: "Ottawa Learn Sitar" in everybody's favourite search engine. I came up with a restaurant named Sitar Ottawa. Subsequent meaningful searches lead the path back to Toronto only. In Toronto, I know of at least one very good source of learning Sitar: named aptly, The Toronto Sitar School run by Anwar Khurshid. Anwar, played at our waleema (which was my choice vs. some lame bollywood singer), where my friend Umer Joseph who's probably the most impulsive person God ever created, ended up getting the same idea as me. The difference was, that where my idea is still just that, an idea, Umer actually ended up visiting Anwar the following week, purchasing a $1000 Sitar, and actually seriously started practicing the bloody thing. For a few months at least anyways. The last I spoke to him before moving, he told me he'd stopped.

The second time, today, I was tempted to learn tabla, in the shower. Not really a long time desire, but I think it was more like, "Ok, so as long as I'm in Ottawa, Sitar's out. What else?". Again, right after the shower, I googled, this time: "Ottawa Learn Tabla". The fact that I am writing this blog entry instead shall give some clue of my success rate. I also came across a couple of local acts that were using the above instruments in their music - ouch! The couple of downloads were instantly fed to my ever hungry recycle bin.

Conclusion, while I never realized it living there, the musical, and especially South Asian musical landscape of Toronto is much, much richer than Ottawa.

Side note, I am realizing that my entries lately are making Ottawa look bad, and make it seem like I miss Toronto. That as it may be, I will have to try and give Ottawa a decent view in my future posts.

Winter a ponus

Its end of November almost. Much has changed in the last year, and a lot of it in the last few months. Some things have changed, some remain the same. I've been in this city before, but never as a resident. Only as a visitor. Its like running into a stranger in the streets of Toronto. You see him every day, holding his coffee cup in his torn gloves, but you don't really know his story. Its a similar feeling. I know this bed, I know these clothes, I know these shoes, I know this car, I know this ring. I don't know this bedroom, I don't know these windows, I don't know this floor, I don't know this shower, I don't know this kitchen, I don't know this garage, I don't know these streets, I don't know this office, I don't know these people, I don't know this keyboard. I know a lot, and I don't know much.

I miss my nephew and niece. I wonder what it feels like to have your own kids. I suppose I'd love them more than I love my nephew and niece, but I can't imagine what that must feel like. I will have to go through it to know it. This isn't the limit of my love. Come, deliver my unknown extension. Love of the highest order.

Myself, who I thought I had left behind, is still here. I can feel his presence around me these days. Sometime back I had written that I am running fast, and heading nowhere. Now I feel like I am heading somewhere unknown. It is not any easier.

There are things I like about my new life, and there are things I don't. Why I made these decisions, what brought me here, will remain as much a mystery to myself as anyone. But there is always, there always has been, hope of a better tomorrow. A brighter day, with the chirping birds, a warm cup of tea and familiar smiles.

Ae Zindagi,
Khol apne parat
Aahista, Aahista.

(Oh Life, Unfold your layers, slowly, slowly)