Going back to Aziziyah, Jeddah

It has this same old cage like living.
Same old fear of being caught doing nothing.
Same old boredom in the city of lights.
How I lived there 17 years of my life I don't know.
It's changed. Like everything else.
It's changed. But it's changed for worse.
I could never go back there to live.
But there are broken glimpses.
Five images per second.
Too slow for a movie, too fast for a slideshow.
My brain is messing with me.
Showing me pictures hidden in the back.

I am with my mom.
My brother and sister are in school.
My dad is at work.
She takes me with her to buy vegetables from this bengali with a cart.
It's too sunny.
We're both wearing flip flops.
Some Saudi guy pulls up in a car and says something.
She crushes her teeth, throws her flip flop at the car and curses.
He runs off in his car.
I'm scared so I cling to my mom.

Another day.
I want to go to the Bakala.
I think to buy batteries for my remote control car.
Usually she watches me from the balcony.
But I know if I ask my mom she will say no.
So I just leave quietly while she is taking a shower.
Some time after that I am playing with my remote control car.
She asks me where I got the batteries from.
I tell her I went to the Bakala and got them.
She's mad.
But I feel big.
I feel like I've grown a little.

Another day.
My brother comes home all shaken up.
He says he was riding around Minara Market.
And this Shurta stole his bike.
We all get in a car and go looking for the Shurta.
We don't find him.
We don't find the bike either.
My father promises him a new bike.
My mother is cursing the Shurta.
I feel bad for my brother.
I wish I was big and strong and could beat up the Shurta for stealing my brother's bike.
When I know in reality I would have just ran too.

Another day.
We go to Ikea.
I'm looking forward to playing in the room filled with colored balls.
I'm also looking forward to the ice cream and the waffle cone.

Another day.
It's my birthday.
We'll go to Toyland today.
And I'll get to pick my birthday present.
I buy this cars and tracks set.
With remote controls and magnet strips that keep the cars on the track.
Once the magnet strips get old they look like bad hair.
The batteries run out too fast.
And I always break the set by my next birthday.
But that's what I always buy again.

I could never go back there to live.
But it's just another chapter in the same old story of my life.
Stuck in moments.
Not belonging where I am, and not being where I belong.
Stuck in transit.
Living on the fringes.
Always running.
Never happy with the present.
Always regretting the past.
Trying to figure out the future.
It's just me.
It's just who I am.

Kanye West and John Mayer - Funny

John Mayer - Neon - Live

Phir Se Huns

phir se huns
seekh phir se kisi tarha
aur aaj tu
phir se huns

khol ke parde
aane de suraj ko andar
aaj tau bus
phir se huns

dil khol ke
jab dhol baje
sach bol ke tu
phir se huns