Phir Toote Gee

abhee toote gee yeh khamoshi, dekhna
kaale asmaan ki chaadar jaise ki chaak kisi ne
aankhein chandiya jaayein gee
sunaai kam de gaa
josh-e-khoon aur bhee tez
bauhat tez
rang ufaq kaa
rang sharam kaa
rang barham kaa
rang mere rukhsaar kaa
mere girne ki awaaz
chand aur darajaat phisalne ki awaaz
aur me apne naye darje ko pasti-e-tamaam samjhoon gaa
phir phisalne tak
khamoshi ke phir tootne tak
chan se, phir toote gee

this silence will break again, watch
like someone cut open the black veil of the night
your eyes will be dazzled
you will hear less
fury of blood, even more
much more
color of horizon
color of shame
color of anger
color of my cheeks
sound of my demise
sound of slipping a few more levels below
and I will believe that this was the final fall
till I fall again
till the silence shatters again
clashing, it will shatter again

Thought of the Day

Mujh se naraaz meri zimmedaariyon kyoun ho?
Nibh chuko naa sahi, zer-e-ghor-o-fikr tau ho!
Koi kheenche idhar, koi kheenche udhar, koi kheenche kidhar
hai yeh nazuk khel-e-tawaazun, tum poochte ho khare kyoun ho?

Enraged, my responsibilities, you are with me, but why?
Though not taken care off, at least you are under consideration
I am pulled this way, that way, every which way
It's a fine act of balance, and you question why I continue to stand?

Faiz Ahmed Faiz Aur Fareeda Khanum

I came across this beautiful rendition of Faiz's Chand Nikale Kisi Jaanib by Fareeda Khanum. My ex-vocal teacher Azalea happens to be in Lahore these days learning from none other than Fareeda Khanum herself.

Chaand nikle kisi jaanib teri zebaai kaa
Rang badle kisi surat shab-e-tanhaai kaa

Daulat-e-lab se phir ae khusrav-e-shireen-dahan
Aaj rizaa ho koi harf shanaasaai kaa

Aik baar aur maseeha-e-dil-e-dil-zadagaaN
Koi waada, koi iqraar masihaai kaa

Deedaa-o-dil ko sambhaalo ke sar-e-shaam-e-firaaq
Saaz-o-saamaan baham pohancha hai rusvaai kaa

I was thinking about posting a translation of this, but I am not worthy. So I'll rather explain it in pieces for those like me. If anyone has any corrections, suggestions, please email me or comment.

First couplet is pretty easy to understand so I'll leave it untouched.

Second couplet:

"khusrav-e-shireen-dahan" - something to the effect of sweet lips of purity or royalty.
"rizaa" - expend
"shanaasaai" - acquaintance

Third couplet:

"masihaai" - prophecy

Fourth couplet:

"deedaa" - sight
"sar-e-shaam-e-firaaq" - beginning of the evening of separation
"baham" - together

Fettucine Alfredo

BTW, just for the record, I make one mean fettucine alfredo. I don't even like white sauce pasta (pasta should be red and with lots of spice and tomatoes), but yaoooza can I make this thing right! Mmmmm!

Meem starts work

Meem got an awesome job at TD Waterhouse, and today is her first day. We got up nice and early (6ish) and were out and about in the car at 7:30. I was expecting lots of traffic because of the stupid OC Transpo, but it wasn't bad at all actually. We were at her office in about 15 minutes, and then we just sat in the car and chilled till about 8:05. I then dropped her off and left for my office in Gatineau. I was here at 8:30, not bad at all. But it wasn't snowing today, so let's see how horrible it can get one of these days.

Meem sent me a text from work saying she loves her office, its pretty lively, and funny and stupid people too. Apparently she already had an Indian/Pakistani conversation. Not sure what that means, have to get more details on that. I've never had an Indian/Pakistani conversation on my first day at job.

Meem seemed happy - reluctant but happy - I'm looking forward to her becoming an individual and getting out of the shadows a bit. She's definitely a talented biatch, just needs to realize it a bit more.

Rang Baatein Karein

Hum teri yaad se
Qatra ke guzar jaate magar
Raah me phoolon ke lab, saaiyon ke gaisu aaye

Rang baatein karein
Aur baaton se khushbu aaye

Need Somebody

I need somebody to talk to. I need help. Anyone?

Be careful what you wish for ...

I remember being 16, plucking away at my guitar, and trying to think of stuff to write about. I'd make shit up. Fictitous shit. Not having any experiences worth telling of my own, I invented lyrics. 12 years later, life's given me enough shit to write books about. Be careful what you wish for, you just may end up getting it.

Who are you light?

There is so much that I need to understand about light. It's a whole new medium to me. These paths seem familiar, and I've definitely crossed them before as a musician. As a kid, wondering and trying hard to understand how exactly a song sounded the way it did. Not even knowing the different instruments, mixing, panning, etc. I kept wondering and wondering, and gradually it all became clear. Like breathing. Of course. This is how.

I need to go stand in front of a good painting (from the days when there was no artificial light, yet the artists knew the very nature of the light to be able to create something of that sophistication from their imagination - my God what brains must they have). And look at it! For hours, with the same child like curiosity. Leaving my ego out at the door. Admitting that I know nothing, and ready to absorb it all. Only then can learning of any form take place. Otherwise its just random mimicry. And those come dime a dozen.

Thought of the day

Quoting the LahoreNama entry for today:

“To traverse distance is child’s play: henceforth pay visits by means of thought; it is not worth while to visit any person, and there is no virtue in bodily presence”

Bikhar jaaon raakh ban ker tere ghar ki raahon pe
Gar tu sajda-o-bosa kare her subha her shaam galiyon me.

I'll turn to dust in the ways to your home
Only if you promise to kneel and kiss the ground each morning, every eve.

Thursday

"They call it stormy monday,
But tuesdays just as bad.
Lord, and wednesdays worse.
And thursdays all so sad."

I and M were planning on going to Toronto this weekend. We were going to grab a ride with my friend Amna but her parents decided to go so no more place in the car. I could just rent a car, but I will be going on Eid and then again around Christmas, so we'll just go next week. There is also some confusion around when Eid is.

There is a bazaar thing happening next week where I wanted to showcase our photography stuff. But not sure if that will be happening. I might go to Toronto that weekend. It would have been nice. Met our first Ottawa clients yesterday. Things are looking good with them. Hopefully things will start to pick up for us on the photography business side here. It was going quite well in Toronto and we were signing two to three clients a month, but then I stopped because I was unsure about whether I will be Toronto, Ottawa or US. I didn't want to take up assignments we couldn't do. That totally broke our tempo, so now its sort of like starting all over again.

There is a mall next to my work place. Its old and depressing so I never go (unless to purchase HIT chocolate cookies from IGA). Today, I discovered another mall a few steps down. Better shops, newer, pretty decent food court and marche. Its no square one, but its something. In that sense my work places have kind of gone from awesome to worse, as I've progressed upwards in my career. My first proper office was smack downtown on King St. and Spadina, right next to the Roy Thomson Hall. Doesn't get any more urban chic than that. Awesome restaurants all over, chapters indigo, movie cinemas, theatres, skydome, eaton centre, the works baby. The next one was in Mississauga right next to square one. They had a pool table on the fourth floor and I was averaging 3 games a day with my brazilian friend Marco. I sucked in the beginning and then started to actually beat Marco regularly. He would deny it, but he's a liar. That job was retarded. It's wrong to even call that a job. I got paid for eating and playing pool. After that it was ADP in Mississauga. Middle of nowhere, but I could hop into the car and go anywhere in sauga. It was right beside Yousuf's work place and very close to Pita Grill (this awesome shawarma place) so there were a lot of 2 hour lunches where we went back to our respective offices reeking of garlic. And after that its this one in Gatineau. Gatineau! Enough said. (But the coffee machine in my office makes it totally worth it).

Dream

He dreamt of her while she lay awake thinking of him.

His Dream:

He left his home and started running.
He ran steady and quick.
His breathing, still not heavy.
He came to a lake feeling restless.
There were people sitting on benches across from each other right next to the lake.
Unusually too many people.
He ran through them, right in between.
He looked left, he looked right.
He was looking for someone.
Not quite sure who.
He reached a house.
There was a wedding.
The house was crowded.
He entered the house and started looking for someone even more furiously.
He wasn't sure whom, but he knew he had to find someone.
He ran up the stairs.
He heard people say she's upstairs.
He thought he heard someone say she's getting ready.
Who's getting ready?
Is she the bride?
Am I looking for the bride?
He started running up the stairs.
His heart pounding not because of the exercise, but because of excitement.
Anticipation of shock.
He reached the fourth floor, or maybe it was the third.
And just as he was climbing up the last step, there she was.
Alone, dressed in a black sari.
Coming out of another room towards the stairs.
She wasn't the bride.
He was relieved.
What if she was?
Did he care?
Was it fair?
He'd found her.

Her thoughts:

--locked--
What else?

How Much

How much do we think we know at any given moment in our life. How much have we learnt from our past experiences. I remember when I was 20. 2000. I was in university. I was capable of doing anything. I was invincible. I was clean. I was light. I had no extra baggage. Then 2003 rolled around. And I thought I know better than anyone now. Then 2004, and now 2008.

People came and people left. Life changed. Slowly but tremendously. If I were to come face to face with my 20 year old self, I'd not even recognize me. I remember being 15, 16 and wishing I could just skip through the next 5-6 years of my life and just be an adult already. So I can do things on my own. Be a working adult, who has a job, an office, a cell phone, a car, etc. I'm 28, I have all these things and more and my God how I envy that 15 year old. My God how I envy that 20 year old!

I guess at this point, when I've either hit or probably nearing my half point in life (statistically speaking), I am starting to realize the pattern that is life itself. Things change. Things will continue to change. My problem is that I am never happy with the present. It's a big problem. It's a huge problem. I am always missing the past, that's been. I have to stop doing that. I realize that, but I just don't know how. I don't know how to start living in the present. How to treasure the people that I have right now.

The South Asian Musical Landscape of Ottawa

I've only been in Ottawa for a few weeks now, and in the limited excess time I've had (which is still more compared to what I had in Toronto), the thought of learning a new instrument has found its way to my brain twice.

The first time I was tempted to finally take up my long time desire to learn and play sitar. As any normal urbanite, I hopped on to google at the first chance I got of being online, and typed in: "Ottawa Learn Sitar" in everybody's favourite search engine. I came up with a restaurant named Sitar Ottawa. Subsequent meaningful searches lead the path back to Toronto only. In Toronto, I know of at least one very good source of learning Sitar: named aptly, The Toronto Sitar School run by Anwar Khurshid. Anwar, played at our waleema (which was my choice vs. some lame bollywood singer), where my friend Umer Joseph who's probably the most impulsive person God ever created, ended up getting the same idea as me. The difference was, that where my idea is still just that, an idea, Umer actually ended up visiting Anwar the following week, purchasing a $1000 Sitar, and actually seriously started practicing the bloody thing. For a few months at least anyways. The last I spoke to him before moving, he told me he'd stopped.

The second time, today, I was tempted to learn tabla, in the shower. Not really a long time desire, but I think it was more like, "Ok, so as long as I'm in Ottawa, Sitar's out. What else?". Again, right after the shower, I googled, this time: "Ottawa Learn Tabla". The fact that I am writing this blog entry instead shall give some clue of my success rate. I also came across a couple of local acts that were using the above instruments in their music - ouch! The couple of downloads were instantly fed to my ever hungry recycle bin.

Conclusion, while I never realized it living there, the musical, and especially South Asian musical landscape of Toronto is much, much richer than Ottawa.

Side note, I am realizing that my entries lately are making Ottawa look bad, and make it seem like I miss Toronto. That as it may be, I will have to try and give Ottawa a decent view in my future posts.

Winter a ponus

Its end of November almost. Much has changed in the last year, and a lot of it in the last few months. Some things have changed, some remain the same. I've been in this city before, but never as a resident. Only as a visitor. Its like running into a stranger in the streets of Toronto. You see him every day, holding his coffee cup in his torn gloves, but you don't really know his story. Its a similar feeling. I know this bed, I know these clothes, I know these shoes, I know this car, I know this ring. I don't know this bedroom, I don't know these windows, I don't know this floor, I don't know this shower, I don't know this kitchen, I don't know this garage, I don't know these streets, I don't know this office, I don't know these people, I don't know this keyboard. I know a lot, and I don't know much.

I miss my nephew and niece. I wonder what it feels like to have your own kids. I suppose I'd love them more than I love my nephew and niece, but I can't imagine what that must feel like. I will have to go through it to know it. This isn't the limit of my love. Come, deliver my unknown extension. Love of the highest order.

Myself, who I thought I had left behind, is still here. I can feel his presence around me these days. Sometime back I had written that I am running fast, and heading nowhere. Now I feel like I am heading somewhere unknown. It is not any easier.

There are things I like about my new life, and there are things I don't. Why I made these decisions, what brought me here, will remain as much a mystery to myself as anyone. But there is always, there always has been, hope of a better tomorrow. A brighter day, with the chirping birds, a warm cup of tea and familiar smiles.

Ae Zindagi,
Khol apne parat
Aahista, Aahista.

(Oh Life, Unfold your layers, slowly, slowly)

Writing Exercise # 1

i was sleepy
so i slept
and i dreamt
in my dream i was thirsty
so i needed water
so i started running
so i got tired
so i sat down
so i fell asleep
and i dreamt ...
in my dream i was trapped
so i wanted out
so i started struggling
so i hurt myself
so i started bleeding
so i lost consciousness
and i dreamt ...
in my dream there was a wedding
so i started singing
so the band started playing
so people started dancing
so bride's mother was fat
so bride's father couldn't hold on to her
so she came flying at the stage
so i got knocked over
so i fell on the ground
so they took my to the hospital
so i went into the coma
so i dreamt ...
in my dream i was bored
so i logged onto facebook
so i started browsing
so i came across my notes
so i thought of an idea
so i started typing
so i wrote this note.

Hello!

My first blog entry. Well not really my first. But first for what might replace the "Journal" section on my site www.AsadKhan.net.